too much

tumblr_msu26s0Hyz1svrh8zo6_500 tumblr_msu26s0Hyz1svrh8zo4_500

do you remember the first time you were called annoying? 
how your breath stopped short in your chest
the way the light drained from your eyes, though you knew your cheeks were ablaze 
the way your throat tightened as you tried to form an argument that got lost on your tongue.
your eyes never left the floor that day. 
you were 13.

you’re 20 now, and i still see the light fade from your eyes when you talk about your interests for “too long,”
apologies littering every other sentence,
words trailing off a cliff you haven’t jumped from in 7 years. 
i could listen to you forever, though i know speaking for more than 3 uninterrupted minutes makes you anxious. 
all i want you to know is that you deserve to be heard
for 3 minutes
for 10 minutes
for 2 hours 
forever.

there will be people who cannot handle your grace, your beauty, your wisdom, your heart;
mostly because they can’t handle their own.

but you will never be
and have never been
“too much.”

– Tyler Ford

I don’t think I will ever forget these three words someone said to me 7 years ago.
“You’re kinda annoying.”

I have long forgiven the person. I have long forgotten why it was said.
But… I don’t think I can ever go back to how I felt before that day. At 20, I still cannot let go of my fear of saying the wrong thing, of saying too much.

 

(images do not belong to me)

Advertisements

What do you dream about?

20130727-IMG_9493

sad things, happy things
hopes and wishes and magical things that aren’t real (or are they?)

i dream about love and finding someone who loves the me that no one sees
about adventures and exploring the world and the universe and soaring through skies and oceans and tiptoeing so i don’t scare kittens away

i dream about places that i’ve never been to,
palaces and kingdoms created in my head
big scary numbers eating me alive and fairy lights binding me
and swinging me from tree branches
leaves of gold, and jewelled blossoms

candy coloured houses, each one identical to the next with candy coloured people wearing candy coloured clothes and carrying candy coloured babies

i dream of the space between dreaming and reality
the tiny line between sleep and dreams

Explorer by day, explorer by night

So I was cleaning up the files on my computer and I came across the essays I wrote for my ync application… and well, I decided to share them! So here’s the first one, about something that inspires me:

When I was 16, a book changed my life completely. In that moment of tearing away the plastic covering the book and reading the first few pages of my new treasure, I felt something change inside me.

I never knew my heart had eyes or that my eyes could do much more than just see. The world was the same, and yet I’d never really looked at it before. All of a sudden, I saw the same world I had always seen – and a whole lot more. This magical, mystical creature that the book seemed to be, was also called ‘How to be an Explorer of the World’ by Keri Smith. And within those humble pages, was a collection of the most valuable treasures in the universe.

The first was the idea that everything is interesting (look closer), and quickly, this beautiful idea became my greatest belief. I began the endless search of finding something beautiful, something interesting in every single thing around me. I don’t just see things; I look at them.

The second was a license to create my own reality. With the help of the missions and lists of inventive ideas in the book, I have indeed become an explorer of the world around me. I change my course often, never stopping and settling for too long. I am more observant. I notice things (both tiny and huge). I document my findings in different ways. I question. I do research for the sake of curiosity and the desire to learn more. I use all my senses to appreciate and explore. I am never bored.

The third was the true definition of what a mistake is: Happenings or occurrences by which the creator does not have complete control over the final outcome that result in conclusions the creator did not predict. I lost my fear of making mistakes; instead choosing to work with whatever result I got. In fact, mistakes make life even more interesting. Mistakes are the result of answering that question at the back of your head that stops you from falling asleep (What if…?). If the predicted outcome is always supported, there isn’t much to learn from doing research. Yes, it feels good to be right and to know the ‘correct’ answers. But sometimes, it feels even better to be wrong and to learn something amazing in the process. I have done so many research papers and experiments, and the one observation that I cling to is this: A non-significant result is still a result, and the disproof of a hypothesis is still a finding – no more, no less.

This book holds countless treasures, and I would never be able to list them all. It has made me challenge convention, and the greatest treasure it holds is the realisation that someone – Keri Smith – is willing to share her wonderful ideas, for the pure joy of seeing other people also find beauty in the world around them.

I want to do that too.

exploreroftheworld