do you remember the first time you were called annoying?
how your breath stopped short in your chest
the way the light drained from your eyes, though you knew your cheeks were ablaze
the way your throat tightened as you tried to form an argument that got lost on your tongue.
your eyes never left the floor that day.
you were 13.
you’re 20 now, and i still see the light fade from your eyes when you talk about your interests for “too long,”
apologies littering every other sentence,
words trailing off a cliff you haven’t jumped from in 7 years.
i could listen to you forever, though i know speaking for more than 3 uninterrupted minutes makes you anxious.
all i want you to know is that you deserve to be heard
for 3 minutes
for 10 minutes
for 2 hours
there will be people who cannot handle your grace, your beauty, your wisdom, your heart;
mostly because they can’t handle their own.
but you will never be
and have never been
– Tyler Ford
I don’t think I will ever forget these three words someone said to me 7 years ago.
“You’re kinda annoying.”
I have long forgiven the person. I have long forgotten why it was said.
But… I don’t think I can ever go back to how I felt before that day. At 20, I still cannot let go of my fear of saying the wrong thing, of saying too much.
(images do not belong to me)
sad things, happy things
hopes and wishes and magical things that aren’t real (or are they?)
i dream about love and finding someone who loves the me that no one sees
about adventures and exploring the world and the universe and soaring through skies and oceans and tiptoeing so i don’t scare kittens away
i dream about places that i’ve never been to,
palaces and kingdoms created in my head
big scary numbers eating me alive and fairy lights binding me
and swinging me from tree branches
leaves of gold, and jewelled blossoms
candy coloured houses, each one identical to the next with candy coloured people wearing candy coloured clothes and carrying candy coloured babies
i dream of the space between dreaming and reality
the tiny line between sleep and dreams
“I said never apologize for how you feel. No one can control how they feel. The sun doesn’t apologize for being the sun. The rain doesn’t say sorry for falling. Feelings just are.”
– Iain S. Thomas, Intentional Dissonance
I think it’s important to acknowledge your feelings. We always ask other people if they’re okay, tell them not to worry, tell them it’s okay to be happy or sad or angry. But what of ourselves? We don’t give ourselves the same freedom to feel.
“I will not be angry. I will not be sad. Why am I sad? I shouldn’t be sad.”
But why not? What’s wrong with feeling a certain way? Good feelings, bad feelings, strong feelings…. they’re all part of what makes a human.
In fact, it is being human that gives us the capacity to feel such things.